The Lot Under the Bridge
by Vulgivagus hagiographus
Summary: How many fairy tales can a giant influence while trying to sell his lot under the bridge?


Disclaimer: I don't own any of the fairy tales and that's all I have to say about that. Dedication: I guess to fairytale fans all across the world! Author's Note: Written spontaneously and solely to break a writer's block. It might not be the best, but it's entertaining.  
  
The Lot Under the Bridge  
  
Once upon a time, there was a giant who lived under a bridge. He didn't really like living under the bridge, since he was a giant, and the space under the bridge didn't quite accommodate his girth. So our good giant friend decided that he should move on in the world, perhaps get himself a nice cave. Yet, since our giant was of a thrifty demeanor, he got it in his head that he should sell his humble abode under the bridge.  
It wasn't long until a pair of elves passed overhead on their way to find some honest work. The giant took advantage of the opportunity and jump out yelling, "Would you like to buy my lot under this bridge?" but unfortunately, he didn't notice that his shoe was untied, and he tripped and fell flat into the river.  
The little elves giggled and then became inspired. The sad disrepair of the giant's shoes made them desire to make shoes themselves so that innocent shoe wearers across the world would not have the shame of tripping and falling in a river. So they ran off, ready to complete their task.  
The giant was a bit downcast from his failure, but he realized that he couldn't expect such success on the first try. He suddenly became thirsty, so he grabbed a bucket, dipped it into the river, and was about to take a drink when a frog swam by. Quickly, the giant scooped the frog up in the bucket and yelled, "Would you like to buy my lot under this bridge?"  
It took the frog a moment to orient itself (since in fact, this frog wasn't used to being a frog because at one time he used to be a prince but was cursed by an evil witch). He looked up at the giant in fear, then noticed what he was sitting in. A bucket! The curse would only be broken by one thing: The kiss of a beautiful maiden. What does that have to do with a bucket? Well, perhaps he would be more prone to find a maiden drawing water with a bucket by a well! So the frog jumped from the bucket and found himself a well to wait for the perfect maiden.  
Now the giant was a bit more upset, but when he thought about it, he couldn't imagine a frog having anything to pay for a lot under the bridge. So the giant decided to wait under the bridge until someone else came by.  
After a while, two men started to cross the bridge, so the giant jumped forth and yelled, "Would you like to buy my lot under this bridge?"  
The two men cowered for a while, for they were both criminals and were afraid of being caught, until they realized it was just a bumbling giant pathetically trying to make a few innocent coins. Yet when they looked at the giant, they were inspired by his ragged clothes, and decided that selling clothes could be a clever con. So they wandered off, talking excitedly about how they could even try selling "clothes" of such a weave that only the innocent could see them.  
The giant again was angry, but he decided that there was little he could do but wait some more. So wait he did. He waited and waited until three little pigs came walking across his bridge. Eager to move on to greater places, the giant leapt forth and yelled, "Would you like to buy the lot under this bridge?"  
The pigs were terrified and shaken, but it soon turned into annoyance. What sort of place was this that they couldn't even cross a bridge without the threat of being scared to possible death? So they rubbed the hair on their chinny chin chins in deep thought, and decided that the solution was to move from this neighborhood and build their homes in a different district. So off the pigs stomped leaving the giant with a lot under the bridge still to be sold.  
Now the giant was getting fairly peeved (since giants are known to be short tempered) but he had no other choice but to wait for another prospective customer.  
After a good while of waiting, an old woman crept across the bridge. Overjoyed at a possible sale, the giant leapt up with great vigor and yelled, "Would you like to buy my lot under this bridge?"  
The old woman was so startled that it was all she could do to stumble home and fall in bed where she lay sick from the fright. Luckily she had a loving granddaughter (who always wore a red riding hood) who would come and visit her to make her feel better.  
The giant was starting to feel hopeless in his endeavor, so he sadly crawled under his bridge to take a nap.  
While he was sleeping, a carriage passed overhead bearing one of the most delicate princesses of the kingdom.  
"Stop!" the princess cried as they rode over a certain part of the bridge.  
The carriage quickly pulled to a halt as the coachman jumped down to see what was the matter.  
"Something is under this bridge!" she said.  
The coachman was a bit confused. "Whatever do you mean?"  
"Right there," she said empathetically pointing to a certain spot of the bridge. "I felt it as we rode over it. Something is there!"  
The coachman sighed as he went to the edge of the bridge and leaned over to see if there actually was anything there. Much to his surprise, the coachman saw the sleeping giant with the tip of his elbow hitting the underside of the bridge right at the spot the princess had pointed to. Shocked by uncanny talent, the coachman suddenly remembered something he had heard. It was a contest to find the most delicate princess in the kingdom to marry the king's son. He could hardly imagine a princess more delicate than the one he was escorting. "I think I know where we should head next," the coachman said with a smile as he packed away the princess and headed off toward the king's palace.  
Eventually the giant woke and continued his wait for an eager customer. Not long after rising, a swan started across the bridge. The giant jumped up and yelled his famous line, "Would you like to buy my lot under this bridge?"  
The swan was so startled that she laid an egg, right then and there! She quickly flew away in fear, but the egg ended up rolling off the bridge into a nest of duck eggs.  
The giant scowled and waited. After what seemed like far more time that it was, a little man with a light step came across the bridge. The giant quickly stepped forward and yelled, "Would you like to buy my lot under this bridge?"  
The little man was a bit shocked and answered haughtily, "Do you think that I, the great Rumpelstiltskin, would want to live under a dank old bridge like this one?"  
Now it was the giant's turn to be startled. "Rumpelstiltskin? I would never have guessed someone so small could have such a large name!"  
Rumpelstiltskin was at first annoyed, but then he got an idea. Who would guess his name? Perhaps he could use this to his advantage.  
The little man ran off cackling to himself while thinking of all the evil tricks that he could play simply using his odd name.  
The giant watched the retreating figure with a bit of confusing, then sat sadly on the bridge. Would anyone ever come to buy his lot? He was about to loose all hope when a nasty looking troll came crossing the bridge. The giant looked up and said sadly, "Would you like to buy my lot under this bridge? I've asked two elves, but they just ran off giggling. I asked a frog, but it just hopped away. I asked two men, but they grinned wickedly and started whispering to themselves about things I can only guess. I asked three little pigs, but they just got angry and stopped off. I asked and old woman, but I don't think she was feeling too well. I asked a swan, but it flew away. Finally, I asked a little man with a big name, but he just ended up confusing me. I really think I might be stuck with this bridge."  
As the giant started to speak of all the people who used the bridge, and evil grin grew on the troll's face. These people sounded friendly--and delicious. He wouldn't mind having the lot under the bridge, but all he had was one thing: An old goose. Still, the troll was evil and conniving, so he came up with an idea. "I will buy your lot under the bridge, and I will give you this magical goose as payment. This goose has the ability to lay golden eggs whenever asked! So, will you sell me your lot under the bridge?"  
The giant was overjoyed. Not only was he getting rid of his dank lot, but also he was getting unlimited wealth! He quickly agreed and took the goose. The giant was so happy he felt lighter than a feather. Actually, he did become lighter than a feather. He became so light that he began to float through the air until he floated so high that he was above the clouds! Seeing the roomy space, he decided that he would make his new home about the clouds.  
Now he would need some money to build a house. So he looked at the goose and said, "Lay!" And you would never guess, but that goose did lay a golden egg! 


End file.
